Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Randomize
