I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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