you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
And then he peed in my hair
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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