Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize