I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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