Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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