My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
