I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
