I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
