every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
