dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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