Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
