I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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