There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
