I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
