I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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