I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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