Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
