so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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