i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
