As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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