I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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