please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
