my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
