when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
They have beer where we have blood.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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