were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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