Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
