I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize