I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
