my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
