shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
