hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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