We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
