We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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