3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
