I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
