Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
