woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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