Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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