my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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