I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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