Betty ford says i'm here all night
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
