I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
