dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize