i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
