I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Randomize
