I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
