The best revenge is premature balding
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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