Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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