Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
