i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Randomize
