She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
