Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
