Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize