and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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